LiveJournal for Amber.

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Saturday, December 28th, 2013

Subject:So frustrated
Time:10:04 pm.

So i talked to Kyle Friday night about the options I was given by the doctor.
Well my original motivations were to pursue the infertility thing and to worry about the pains I get at another time. All because I am so desperate for another child. Kyle however made the argument that I needed to look into having the surgery done. His reasoning was that even though its easy to look past the pains now because I'm not having any at the moment, I still am incapacitated when I do have them. I usually end up missing work when I get them. He seemed very positive and open to getting me taken care of.
So by him making that argument I made the assumption that he was on board to help me get this taken care of. Boy who was I kidding. He doesn't want me to have any of it done. It because we can't really afford it. I understand it. We would be stuck with $5,000 Of the bill. And then if I did end up getting pregnant after the fact then that would be another five thousand we'd probably have to pay.
The logical side of me says I need to hold off grit my teeth thru any other episodes I may have, and wait until Kyle is out of school and has a foot in the door somewhere. But that is still another two years away!!! I don't want Charlie to have to wait until he's 8 to have a sibling. He's already asking. He's asking quite often actually and making comments like wether he'd rather have a brother or sister or something he'd like to play with a brother or sister. It breaks my heart every time he asks. Kyle can't take more classes to get thru school any faster because he can't stay focused on more than one or two. And I sure don't want to go thru another two years worth of these pains. UGH!!!!! I don't know what to do. Tonight Kyle keeps saying he doesn't care, it's my body so I should do what I want. So now I'm super confused and it just makes me mad, sad and emotional as all get out!
Well I'm going to try to go to bed for now. Good night.

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Time:1:50 pm.

This morning we are having pumpkin and banana pancakes yummy!!

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Friday, December 27th, 2013

Subject:Step 1
Time:10:21 am.

Mmmk. So I went today for my follow up appointment with the Gyno. She came back with two options.
Option number 1
Schedule a surgery for the doctor to go in and look for endometriosis. If she does see endometriosis she would clean it out. While she was in there she would also look to see if my Fallopian tubes are blocked. If they are blocked then she would clear out any scar tissue build up while she was there. Then she would have me start to chart my cycles and look into the use of hormones to help me potentially get pregnant.
The number one goal with this first option is to get rid of the pain and discomfort I have.
Option number 2
He doctor wants me to contact a lady who counsels people on how to track their cycles. We would track my cycle for about three months and then I would go in for a follow up and depending on how my doctor "likes" how my cycle is she will put me on hormones to help regulate my cycle if needed and to help prime my body for getting pregnant and the hormones should help in succeeding in conception.

I hope that I have remembered all the details for the two options. I really wish Kyle could have come with me to this appointment today. I get so stressed out about remembering all the details. I also hate that i can never think of questions until after I leave the office. I really really HATE it!
I think I am definitely going to ask for Kyle to go with me to these appointments from now on.
I really wish I could talk to Kyle right now. I think I'm going to go crazy.

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Monday, September 16th, 2013

Subject:I DID IT!
Time:1:02 pm.
It is Official! I have passed the certification exam and am now a certified phlebotomist.  Now the hard part begins ; finding a job! i am hoping i can be out of the mall by the time Christmas comes around. The past few weeks i have been doing my externship at the DMC Huron Valley Sinai Hospital in Commerce Michigan. its been fun but i am looking forward to being done. but at the same time i do not want it to end because it means that i will then have to go back to work at Hanes in the mall. Not having to deal with my boss stephanie for the past month has been heavenly. now the worst critic i have is myself. This morning i got a draw on a patient that was relatively difficult with out having to have any in put from my supervisor Lisa.              Since i have started working with her i have picked up on different characteristcs that i do and do not want to incorporate into my own practice. first of all i am going to be much cleaner.  for example This facility provides disposable tourniquets. it is wise to dispose of the tourniquet after each patient. However this is a practice that my supervisor does not follow. My fear is that something could be passed on from one patient to the next. In this building we have an Infectious disease doctor who treats all kinds of infections and diseases ranging from staph infections to HIV  and other STDs.  I dont know what kind of bodily fluids may be present on a patients skin. therefore i feel it is irresponsible to use the same tourniquet on another patient. She also does not wipe the draw chairs and carts down. this is something that i observed a couple other people do on a regular basis. i like that practice and have started to add that into my routine when i clean up after a patient leaves. that way i am protecting not only my patients but myself aswell. all of these issues seem like very simple things and i feel are easy enough to implement into my practices with inconveniencing anyone else.                                                                                                                                        Charlie has started School. he is a kindergartner at Pine Knob Elementary school. he is the cutest kid alive!  i am amazed to know that he has grown so much. it seems too soon to be sending him off to school. i just love feeling his arms wrapped around my neck. he loves to read books and his favorite things to do consist of riding his bike, scooter and playing outside.        Every now and again we are able to go out to the farm and play with the ponies out there. he is so gentle and has a big heart when it comes to animals. He is alot like me in those ways. He loves to snuggle with our two cats, Oliver and Boomer. I aksed him the other day what he wanted to be when he grew up and he says he wants to be a police officer. he loves the lights and sirens. for a long time it was a firefighter that he wanted to be. we will have to see if he again changes his mind and to what.                                                                          Kyle is still in school and kind of sortof limping along through his classes. However this semster he seems to have a new resolve that he is going to get through and do well. I am proud of all that he has done so far. We got to looking and adding things up. We checked into BYU - Idaho and figured out that it would be $10,000 CHEAPER if we were to move out to Idaho and Kyle finish his electrical engineering degree out there. It is a HUGE move and will take alot of courae for kyle to be able to move that far away from his mom and family. But we will also be gaining my side of the family if we were to move. My Sister Erica and her husband Jeremy are out there and the rest of my extended family on my moms side. we would be more on our own out there and it woulf force us to be smarter with out finances and how me manage daily life as a family. i have faith that the Lord would help us provide and be successful if this is what we are supposed to do.                                                                                                         For now i need to out my computer away and get ready to leave for my lunch break.    Hello to anyone out there who may be reading this. and good bye again for awhile.
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Monday, November 26th, 2012

Subject:Way to be a Diva
Time:2:25 pm.

I have just realized that since I have been posting more on here, I haven't yet mentioned much about Diva. she's not MY horse, but she's my horse... Courtney (the trainer out there now) is the one who owns her. But when I'm out there, she's all mine :-) so here are a few pictures of Miss Diva

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Subject:My three wishes for the Holidays
Time:2:10 pm.

Today on my way to take Charlie to preschool, the dj on the radio asked what your three wishes would be for the holidays. So I thought that would make for a fun post on here.
Wish number one.
I wish we could spend Christmas with my parents, brothers and sister and her husband. It's been 7 years now since I have been able to spend a Christmas with my family.
Wish number two.
I wish that Kyle and I could take a trip to Salt Lake City and walk through Temple Square and see the beautiful lights and nativity scenes. And sit and meditate a while at the reflection pool. Just relax and feel the cool breeze on my face. See the beautiful temple in all its glory. Feel so close to my Father in Heaven in that amazing place.
Wish number three.
I wish I could attend one more of the Capell Christmas family reunions. Play just one more game each of Clue, Flinch, Phase 10, and go fish with my cousins. Look through all of grandmas thimble collection and salt and pepper shaker collection. Have her help me make one more quilt together. Hahaha and even sleep one more night on that awful purple shag carpet in the second room. Have one more late night whisper sessions with my cousins Annette and Lance before he died. Have grandpa grab my ear and call me his scudd whomp just one more time. Awe, those were the days. Oh and don't forget going out to grandpas cellar and collecting the field fresh potatoes to make mashed potatoes with. Those were to die for! And yes even having to pitch in with the dishes once dinner was over with. And fighting my cousins for a slice of my moms famous Dutch apple pie!!

On another topic, Black Friday evening after working all the previous night (yuck) I scored myself the sound track to the Polar Express! I put that on in the car half way to preschool, and Charlie has fallen in love with the Polar Express theme song. He goes nuts over the train sounds. :-)

Well I better get going. I have to work tonight with the boss woman.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Saturday, October 20th, 2012

Subject:The heartbreak
Time:11:38 pm.

Feeling so incredibly overwhelmed tonight. There are so many people around me having babies. Both married and unmarried. I want so badly to carry another child. To hold a baby and to raise it next to Charlie. Just one more and I swear I will be satisfied, even though I originally wanted 4 kids. I hear about so many people who are having babies and they don't even want them or are really capable of raising the child.

On another note though, I really need to take a moment and recognize the Lords hand in making me a better mother. I know I did a lot of things wrong with Charlie before I became more reliant on The Lord. In the last two years or so i have noticed a change in my mothering abilities. I have become more tolerant, more patient, more understanding and loving with children. I am slowly becoming more confident in my abilities as well. Boy I wish I had learned these way before Charlie, but I suppose then I wouldn't have been humbled enough to look to The Lord when I needed him.

I think a trip to the temple in the near future will be greatly needed and appreciated.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

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Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

Subject:Thank goodness for the rain
Time:12:55 pm.

I know that most of it is my fault but I am so extremely emotional the last day or two!! Of course I might have a better handle on my self if I hadn't eaten any gluten recently. That's one of the side effects of gluten in my system is being over emotional and depressive. Of course being out of my antidepressant just compounds the issue even more. This week so far has been so jam packed with plans involving school, Charlie's preschool and work I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have seen Charlie a total of maybe an hour in the past three days. This morning we both had a meltdown and ended up in each others arms on the couch until it was time for Charlie to go to school. We both desperately needed that time together and to just chill.
I am however extremely proud of Charlie for making friends at school! When I dropped him off this morning we walked in and three or four kids and chimed in at once "hi Charles!" He says hi and waves back and then this girl come over to him and says hey Charlie Marley! Hahaha it was so cute!
Anyways I'm exhausted from being so emotional this morning so I think I'm going to lay down for a nap before I go get Charlie. And go to work.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Tuesday, September 25th, 2012

Subject:Apparently I'm two faced...
Time:7:36 am.

Well according to my fantastic sister in law, I am two faced along with the rest of Kyles family. If you ask me tho, she's the one that's been two faced lately. Telling me and or my mother in law one thing and then saying something else on Facebook or to someone else that eventually gets back to me... She is still playing the pity party too. Every post on Facebook is about how hurt she is by everyone and she just wants to run away. Sad to say but I have such a sour taste in my mouth from her lately that shes on her own now. Especially after being called two faced. Of course I'm not going to continue supporting her if its just going to shoved back in my face. She needs to realize she's not the only one hurt in this situation. She needs to end the pity party and move on!
Ugh I think this has all given me heartburn this morning.
Wish me luck! I'm off to take my first microbiology test of the semester. Yay!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Monday, September 24th, 2012

Subject:Taking Charlie to Preschool
Time:2:45 pm.

I had my first emotional break down over Charlie going to school today. He has been going now for three weeks. So far I was really proud of myself for both of us having no issues with desperation anxiety. Charlie practically run into the classroom each day. To day was the first day starting the question of the day thing. The question was who brought you to school today? And he had to choose his picture and put it under the correct response on the board. Afterwards it was time for me to leave. So I said can I have a hug and kiss before I go? He jumps in my arms and wraps his arms around my neck, and I tell him ill miss him. He says "Don't miss me mommy. I will give you more hug when you come to pick me up." My heart melted!!! So I ran out to the car and cried myself home. I am so blessed to have such an amazing and sweet little boy!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Friday, September 21st, 2012

Subject:trouble with a password
Time:12:07 am.
You have them for everything right? after so long you end up with a set of regularly used passwords. for some reason i have never had such a hard time getting into anything than i do when i am trying to log in to Livejournal. worst part about it all is i cant just have the password emailed to me because the email that is registered with my account is an old email that no longer exists. and to switch the emails they want confirmation from the first email... so in everyway... i just have to guess thru every password ive ever used.

anyways... i am here, and most likely will be here more often because Facebook is no longer a "safe" place to express my thoughts, or rather my frustrations. too many offensive eyes. On here i know there is basically no one who reads my journal anymore, so what the heck, why not.

Of course most of my frustrations lately are all coming from either family (sister in law) or the so called best friend. i dont even know where to start. I am just so fed up with all of them.

ok im only going to give the short version of the story...Jamie, Ryans wife is crazy! they are both being extremely selfish lately. they got themselves in over their heads on a house they just bought. and in order to pay for it, she is electing to work 7 days a week basically. including the days they are supposed to have Evan and Aden. So she asked me to quit my job so i could watch Evan and Aden on those weekends. well i dont think that was fair. we cant afford for me not to work anymore than they cant afford for her not to work. so then we worked out a plan that i would work a measly 4 hrs on saturday nights and shed work 8 hrs in the mornign and afternoon. and id watch the boys during that time.
but thru all this she is so back and forth and two faced about it all with Sue and myself and Kyle.  i wont go into the rest of the drama for now. simply because i dont want to type it all out.

ok so with Jess...oh my goodness... she is a piece of work. ok a year ago, i tried asking her why she never made an effort to be apart of Charlies life. or even tried to make time for me as her best friend. i was seriously doubting wether i was her best friend or not. i am still leaning towards the not. anyways, she got all upset about it and stopped talking to me. wouldnt talk to me for almost a year. just this past march or April i think, i text her asking if she planned on ever talking to me again. Apparently she thought that we would just pick up right where we left off. but not from my end. She did to me exactly what the people from Litchfield did to me. that really hurt! i was such a mess. I just cant keep doing this back and forth thing. I have loved her to pieces in the past, but emotionally, i cant afford to invest that much emotion into her anymore.

orrrr so i thought. She invited me to her baby shower. i went... glad i did because i was able to reconnect with Chernique, a friend from high school here in michigan, and wow i had sadly forgotten how awesome she is. We ended up going for a coffee/hot chocolate date to starbucks the other day just to hang out and talk (i was having a rather emotional day) and i told her about everything between Jess and i. and we both see alot of things that Jess needs help with..emotionally. we are really hoping that having a baby will help her in that emotional maturity and change. but we both agreed that she has a hard time feeling and expressing emotion...but i also think she might have a hard time recognizing emotion.
ugh there is just soo much. At one point i was ready to walk away from this relationship with Jess and be at peace with the fact. but now after talking with Chernique i have had a kindof renewed sense of not wanting to give up on her. but its just so hard to not want to give up when all i feel like she does is push me away. gosh now im crying trying to type. i KNOW that i need to get to a point where i can talk to Jess and try to let her know what it is i need from her as a friend. but im afraid that will push her away again.
anywho.. its late and i told Kyle id be in to bed shortly...that was half an hour ago.
Goodnight for now...
p.s. i just downloaded the livejournal app on my phone so i can hopefully update more often and now even from my phone/ipad!!! yay!!!
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Sunday, December 11th, 2011

Subject:There is a reason Mother in laws are called MONSTER in laws...
Time:1:31 pm.
Mood: aggravated.

Ok i really need to get this off my chest... beware its going to be a long post..

The thursday before Thanksgiving this year I had an appointment with my counselor Bother Tenney in Farmington Hills. Since we were "in the neighborhood" we decided to go out to dinner with Gram, Aunt Debbie and Sue. Sue had been down in Livonia looking after things because Aunt Beth had been in the hospital with a staff infection in her blood.
After we were done with our meal, we were waiting for Kyle to get back from the bathroom. While we were sitting there i starting talking to Sue about the possibility of working the babysitting schedule around so that she would have more free time. 
You see there is a Family that moved into our ward at church that has a little boy that is a week older than Charlie. i had asked them if they would be willing to watch Charlie monday thru wednesday for 15-20 bucks a day. They said yes that would be great. However Kyle thru up a tantrum because he didnt want have to pay and he wanted to keep taking Charlie to Sues because she watched him for free. I didnt feel that was right. She has been watching him on a regular basis for the entire 3 years since Charlie was born. I feel it is only appropriate to give her a "break". So the idea was that the Barrets were going to watch him once or twice a week and everyother saturday and then Jamie (sis in law) would watch him fridays and the saturdays that she has the boys. I thought that was extremely fair. but here comes the twister.. 
I have been talking to my counselor and working on building my sense of self worth and confidence in knowing what i need and deserve. It has been an extreme struggle. I have gone from saying sorry to every little thang that happens wether it be my fault or not to being happy and a little more confident. Part of what i have been encouraged to do is to set aside some time to do something i like and that makes me feel good about myself. So i talked to my bosses at work and to the barrets and i had come up with a plan... The plan consisted of the Barrets watching Charlie mondays during class and tuesdays while i worked, then Sue would watch him wednesdays while i was at class, then i cut my hours at work so that i didnt have to work wednesday nights. so then I hoped Sue would keep Charlie until Kyle got off of work at 6, so that i could go straight to the barn after class got out at 3. that way i would be home in time to put Charlie to bed.
Now that the plan is explained, lets jump back to my attempt to talk to Sue about this at the restaraunt.. So i bring up that i had asked the Barrets to watch Charlie and that they had said yes. but then i told her that Kyle didnt like having to pay for all three days plus every other saturday. and that to try to compromise, I would ask them to watch him only Mondays and Tuesdays and I asked her if she could watch Charlie wednesday until Kyle got off, so that i could go to the Barn for a little bit of "me time"
Well i suppose the words "me time" didnt settle right with her.  She laughed, rolled her eyes and said "yeah well i Need some me time too." thats when i shut down.
Now this is where i am responisible for all this.. between the tone she used and the roll of her eyes, i felt pretty of humiltiated. and pretty guilty that i had felt like i could ask for that from her. i felt so stupid for thinking that she might understand. and atleast be happy that i was giving her back her mondays and tuesdays. and was TRYING to give back her saturdays.
Well because i had felt so hurt by that stupid little sentence, i decided that contrary to what kyle wanted i was going to use MY pay check to pay for the Barrets to take him all three days and every other saturday. so that way Sue would get HER "me time" and I would go get Charlie after class on wednesdays and drop him off with Kyle after he got off work and then go to the barn. only thing would be that i would not be home in time to put Charlie down for the night. ( but who am i kidding, Kyle wont put forth the effort to put him down) Then the biggest thing of all was that i was going to "take some time off" from Sue. i felt i needed to draw some boundary lines and hopefully get some respect from her once and for all. She is always touting about how i dont respect her. but i dont think she would recognize respect even if it hit her in the face. i think what she reall wants if fear and intimidation. but i am so tired of the fear and intimidation. i got so much of that growing up. I am done with trying to impress her and to try to earn praise from her. Im never going to get it. so in drawing this boundary line i will hopefully be able to ressurect a little bit of self dignity and self respect. So to let Sue know about all of this. i sent her a text saying, "lets face it, our personalities dont mesh well. I think its best if we take some time off from each other. Charlie is taken care of until further notice. If you would like to take him that is fine, just please let Kyle know a few days ahead of time so that we can arrange it into our schedules. if you need to reach me in an emergency please text me before you call. Please dont go telling everyone in the family, i dont feel they need to know, its none of their business and i dont see a reason to include them. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, i feel this is just something that needs to happen at this time. i hope you understand."
Later i asked kyle if he had gotten any responce from her about it, he told me that she wasnt impressed. but i kindof had to smile at that comment beause like i said bfore i am done trying to impress her. impressing her is no longer a priority. (even tho to this day i still wish that i could do SOMEthing to get some kind of a positive rise out of her)

Now lets jump ahead to Thanksgiving... Sue called and wanted to take Charlie on Tuesday overnight because she and Karl were going on a cruise and wanted to see him before they left.i said yes only because i actually needed a sitter for wednesday. So then Kyle hatches this stupid plan where i had to go get Charlie and meet him at Sams. even tho i told him no. he kept giving me a hard time about it all. then we get Charlie wednesday night He goes in and gets him, we leave ,y car at their house and we drive down to Scott n Cheries. all that night and most of the morning on thanksgiving every time i said something kyle would twist my words around so that it looked as though everything was my fault all because i was refusing to talk to his go to the point where i was really having a hard time not slapping him across the face. So i bundled Charlie up in his coat and gloves and took him for a walk in the wagon to try and get some fresh air and hope that that would help my disposition. by the time i got back kyle was up and utside. we sat on the porch swing and had a talk. I told him that i loved him with all my heart, but if he was going to beat me up verbally every time i have a dissagreement with his mom and tried to stand up for myself then, that might be a deal breaker. He apologized and said hed try harder to keep his mouth shut and support me.
and as an update i am still getting verbally abused and chastised about this every chance he gets.

Friday i got a text from the Barrets saying they were all still sick and that they wouldnt be able to watch Charlie. so i asked Kyle to ask a few people and see if they would be able to watch Charlie. come to find out he asked his mom. she said yes and kyle said that I would have to go get him. fine. i said a prayer before i went in and was feeling ok about myself. then right as i pull in the driveway i get a text from kyle telling ME to be nice. and telling me i need to be conversational. i was NOT going to be conversational and pretend nothing was wrong. However i was civil.. i went in and i asked how charlie had been and that was about it.  nothing too fancy. i thought it went pretty well. but because i am not ready to sit down with her and talk about things (or rather what would happen is her demonizing me)  According to kyle i am not allowed to ask her to take Charlie ever again. not that i was the one that asked her this time anyways. i just simply asked kyle to play apart in finding someone to watch charlie and this is what he arranged. so i dont undrstand how he thinks this is supposed to be a punishment for me. that what all his bull crap feels like is their twisted way of punishing me.
So i am issuing the same ultimatum i did on Thanksgiving... decide who you are married to. either shut up or i am leaving.

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Thursday, July 28th, 2011

Subject:Catch up!
Time:12:43 am.
Well well well... guess whos back?!! ....MEEE!!!!! i thought for sure this journal was lost forever... but i guess i was wrong. lucky me i took a wild guess on the password and viola! im in!
Did ya miss me? Cuz i sure have missed LJ!!!
well lets see what has happened since the last time i posted...
My son Charlie is now 3yrs old. he is so much fun and such an easy going kid!!! not to mention he is a Great looking kid!!

also I am no longer best friends with Jessica Utely. My feelings were hurt when she decided that Sue (kyles mom) was an issue and would not come to any functions that remotely involved her. i tried to express my hurt feelings and after a little while all i got was silence. So i let her know that i was still hurt and that i felt that something had to give on the issue. still i got silence. and after putting up with this same thing in the past i finally got tired of it and let her know that i wasnt going to be going along with that anymore. I deserved better. I deserve to have a best friend who isnt going to let my mother in law get in the way of coming and supporting me and or my child in certain situations. i told her id wait for awhile if she wanted to finally come around to talk to me about things. but after a couple of months i sent her a message saying Basically it was great while it lasted but now i need to move on to greener pastures, thanks for the good times and C'est la vie!
Sadly tho i still find myself missing her and wishing things could go back the way they were even tho i wasnt completely happy with the way things were.
but even after losing her i have been able to take a step back and realize the blessings that Heavenly Father has blessed me with recently in the ways of friends! a year ago this past June i met a lady out at the barn where i used to ride who is a new trainer out there named Courtney. She is pretty spunky and can be a little outspoken sometimes but she has everyones best interests at heart and best of all she has filled in the position as my best friend pretty well!! I would like to say i return the favor but i cant say i honestly am to the point in her eyes. She is howver a full 10 years older than i am but we still get along and talk like age is just a number. Hahaha, we have even had several sleep overs in the past year. She loves and adores Charlie and lets us/him brush and ride and play with one of her best school ponies Hercules!! To me that right there just steals my heart!! Jess liked Charlie and would push him around in a cart at the store but she didnt chase after him and play with him like Courtney does. Courtney does have a bit of an instinct however since she herself is an Aunt to 2 very cute little boys. in fact one of her nephews is named Charlie also!!! the others name is Henry, which i absolutely love that name the more i hear it... but lets face that would be really weird if i named our next child Henry too.

also in terms of friends, i met a girl in my Biology class at OCC. (btw i have successfully started college again and actually doing pretty well!!) She ended up being my lab partner and me "chipotles" partner as well. (we went to dinner after class all the time to Chipotles) The persons name is Becky. She is such a nice sweet person. i just feel terrible for not talking to her recently. She text me on my birthday wishing me happy birthday. i miss her terribly and am hoping to get together and hang out with her sometime soon!!! 

Kyle and i are currently doing ok. We've had quite a few ups and downs the last few years, but then again who doesnt?  we just keep falling back into these ruts of simply existing in the same environment and me feeling ignored and forgotten and unimportant. it hurts big time and each time it happens i come closer and closer to actually calling it quits because i am just so tired of falling back into the same old routine and feeling like scum. i could go on right now about a few issues but perhaps i will keep that until it boils up and ends up in another post.

Lets see what else is new...
Oh yeah, I have a new job. I work at Campus Den in the mall. so far i have worked there a month and really love my job. well ok maybe not the job itself as much but more just the ease and understanding i get from my boss. Landra (my boss) talks to me (and my fellow employees) as equals instead of down to us and using the intimidation factor to get things done. I can really tell that as long as you are loyal and do your duties right Landra will be just as loyal right back. she doesnt expect us to work any harder than she does and that really is pretty easy to do tho. We sell college/university t-shirts and hoodies and collectibles. so i fold ALOT of t-shirts and hang up ALOT of hoodies most days. there is however quite a bit of drama that goes on between Landra and Jen (another employee) but as of right now i think as long as i keep my own mouth shut i can totally handle it.

Oh another thing that is new that i dont think has been updated in a LONG time is...
A.. we USED to have 2 really cool cats named Harry and Hermione (yes of course after the books/movies) and
B.. we have to get rid of the TWO cats and
C.. we now have ONE cat named Oliver that WAS a stray that may have had a home in the beginning because he was already fixed when we found him. we put up signs etc and no one claimed him. so he is now our super silly brown tiger cat.

At the Barn there is a super sweet mare named Diva and while she belongs to Courtney, i have pretty much "adopted" her as my own. I love her so much! She unfortunetly has alot of issues with soundness tho. but her trot is so smooth that i can ride her without having to run straight to the Chiropractor afterwards. She is a nice solid bay with one small sock on her right hind leg.  and a pretty small faint white star on her forehead. i absolutely love her face it just looks so perfectly shaped. whats really silly tho is her mane is frizzy almost like an african americans hair. i will have to post a picture of her soon.

Anyways i will have to update again soon. it is currently 12:41 am and i am tired and need to go to bed. seeing as i have two Better than Sex cakes to make in the morning for a fundraiser baby shower we are having at the Church. YUMM!!!
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

Time:3:49 pm.
 He's here!! Charles Zeb Hobbs was born 3:15 a.m. Saturday March 22nd.  8lbs 6 oz 21.5 inches long.
if you want to see pictures... my husband has put some up on my page on myspace... so go check them out.

the only complication from the birth: a broken tail bone! of all things.. yes a broken tail bone!  and it hurts like HELL!!! my stitches from the oppisiotomy (sp?) dont hurt hardly at all compared to my behind! so far i can only find comfort in walking around or lying down on my side. otheriwse everything in between is hell.

that being said... last night was our first night home from the hospital... and i am proud to say we did pretty well i think! 

well standing here trying to type like this is killing my back.. so this is about all i am going to post for now... as soon as i am able to sit long enough to write more i will. 
so tootlez for now...
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Time:3:28 pm.
 lol, i want a kitty....still! My boss at work is looking for a new home for his house cat. and i want her so bad! shes so pretty! she's part siamese, and has the prettiest blue eyes! and her fur is soo stinkin soft! She sheds more than any cat i know of...but i figure a regular brushing can help reduce that problem...but she is so sweet. she loves to be loved. but yeah.. i want her. problem is i dont have the money to feed her. lol. The only reason Pete wants to find a new home for her is because, since he's a truck driver, he's out on the road alot. and doesnt get to give her the attention she needs. sometimes in a week im the only one she sees, when i stop by to feed her.  
lol, Hey Liz, do you want another cat? i think you'd love her! haha. 

anyways.... i am ready to have this baby any day now! im so sick and tired of being sick and tired and pregnant! lol. 

the neighbors dogs are being annoying again! for awhile there we didnt hear a peep out of them. which was really nice. and the neighbors finally put a board up blocking the whole underneath the house. so they cant get in there and cause more problems. 
lol earlier when i got home from work, one of the dogs was over in our yard, barking and being stupid again, so i ran and got the air soft gun that my brothers borrowed to me (for this purpose) and went out on the porch and I GOT HER! haha, took me four or five try's  but i finally got her, lol and she made a bee line back to the neighbors yard.  haha...

Kyle started his second job last night. sounds reallyinteresting. he works for this company that test drives new cars. testing their performance in the cold weather and what not. last night he said he drove a 2009 Jeep Commander.  

Work for me is about the same. just getting really sick of the guys that are working out in the shop every day. i think they are doing some welding work for Pete. but the welding stuff, makes my boogers turn black! plus it makes it really hard to breath. so i try to keep the door to the shop closed. but the darned cat, will scratch at the door and it gets really annoying, so i let him out into the shop, then he'll scratch at the door until i let him back in. its like he cant stand to have the door closed. so when he's in the office and scratching at the door, i'll throw stuff at him. lol by the time i leave or get up for any other reason, there is a pile of stuff by the door. lol. 
i think that cat is going to be lost, after i have the baby...he likes to curl up and sleep on my tummy. its his perch. and once thats gone, he's not going to have anywhere to sleep. haha. 

well i think im done for tootlez!
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Thursday, February 14th, 2008

Time:11:43 am.
 One month from today is my official due date!!! how scary!
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Saturday, February 9th, 2008

Subject:Pres. Hinkley
Time:11:46 pm.
  I got this cool email with the story about one of the Hymns that was sung at President Hinkleys funeral. and i thought i'd post it in here for future well as a copy of the lyrics:

This is a letter written by Janice Kapp Perry, who, as most of you know, is a popular LDS musician and author.

 During President Hinckley's funeral Tabernacle Choir will be singing a hymn text written by President Hinckley  which I set to music in December.  I would like to share the story of it with you:

About two months before my niece Kathy Blacker died, on January 11, 2008, she found a three-verse poem by President Hinckley among her files.  

Although she was resigned to dying, she had some fears about the dying process and his words greatly comforted her—especially the second verse which descirbed exactly what she was feeling.   She wrote to Pres. Hinckley's office to ask permission to have the poem printed on her funeral program, and she received a very nice letter from his secretary Don H. Staheli saying that President Hinckley gave his permission for her to do so.  

The letter also conveyed some very comforting words from Pres. Hinckley which were helpful to helpful to Kathy in her final weeks, and he said he would remember Kathy in his prayers.

Then Kathy suggested that  I write and ask permission to give the poem a hymn setting. I did so, and Brother Staheli conveyed President Hinckley's permission for me to write the hymn.


After offering some heartfelt prayers that I might be able to write appropriate music for his profoundly beautiful and m oving text, I wrote the hymn setting and sent a copy to President
Hinckley's office for approval at the end of December. I received so immediate response.

Kathy passed away January 11 and after her funeral I sent a copy of her funeral program to President Hinckley's office so he could see how nicely his poem was displayed along side my brother Gary Kapp's painting of Christ.


When I heard President Hinckley had passed away last Sunday night I was feeling a little sad to think I hadn't received a letter with his official
approval.  But the very next day after his passing, the hoped-for letter arrived with his approval, his permission for me to publish it in a future volume of my series Inspirational New Hymns for Choir and Home, and leaving it to my discretion as to whether to submit it to the Church Music Division.  
The timing was so unusual and I was extremely grateful to receive the letter as a tender mercy in my life.

Then on Monday afternoon Craig Jessop, Tabernacle Choir Director, heard about the hymn and had his office call me to obtain a copy of the hymn for consideration for President Hinckley's funeral.  On Tuesday, while travelling in California, I learned that the hymn would be performed by The Tabernacle Choir at President Hinckley's funeral on Saturday.

Having seen the great comfort this hymn brought to my niece who died just two weeks before President Hinckley passed away, my great desire is for people throughout the world to have a free copy of these magnificent words of President Hinckley to comfort them in times of the loss of loved ones.

This is just one more way his influence could be felt down through time.

What is This Thing That Men Call Death
Text by Gordon B. Hinkley,  Music by Janice Kapp Perry

What is this thing that men call death
This quiet passing in the night?
'Tis not the end but genisis
Of better worlds and greater light

Oh God, tough Thou my aching heart
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendant pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change,
With recompense for vict'ry won.
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy one.

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Saturday, February 2nd, 2008

Time:1:46 pm.
 lol, i just thought of something... this year is Leap year!! and everyone is predicting that im going to give birth around the first of March or late February. Including the Doctor. lol i justhope its not the 29th! It'll be just my luck!

But anyways...
Today was President Hinkleys Funeral. It was really nice. i loved the story that President Monson told about him and his walking cane. lol pretty funny. 

well i dont have anything else to say at the time. plus i need to get some laundry going and do some dishes. so tootlez!
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Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

Time:11:32 am.

yeah i know im not a good updating on here at work. but in all reality, im done with what there is to do for now. and i have to wait for Pete to get back so i can ask him for some stuff before i can send out a bill.

but anyways...

I was given a couple of books on parenting and stuff for christmas. so i've been reading them. as well as info i find online from a couple of sites that track how far along i am from week to week. and in almost everything that i have read, they all say that i should be enjoying these last few weeks before i give birth.... but i am finding that very hard to do. most of the time i am miserable!  for one.... my hips are in pretty bad shape... when you get into the later part of pregnancy, your body releases a hormone that relaxes all the muscles and ligaments. and with all those laxed so much, all of my joints wont stay in place. so since December, my hips have been hurting really bad. when i lay down, my left hip aches so much, (im supposed to lay on my left side as much as possible to increase blood flow to the baby) so i try to switch to my right side, and by the time i get there im out of breath from trying to roll over, and then there is only relief for a little while. when im on my left side, i think its the weight of everything that makes my right hip ache so bad. so then i try to roll back to my left side...and the time i spend on that side becomes even shorter.  so im constantly flipping from side to side... and i cant lay on my back, cuz the weight of my uterus will cut off circulation to my lower half as well as the baby. so its dangerous to lay on my back for too long. yeah...i am already not getting enough sleep.

then theres some new developments..that keep me from "enjoying" these last few weeks.  Since Monday, i think i have been having some contractions.... but i kindof think its still the harmless kind called Braxton Hicks contractions. but wow they hurts and leave me relly tired. its like i've been in the weight room, and doing an intensive ab workout for at least an hour. you know when your stomache muscles just feel like they've been worked to exhaustion...and it make syou feel so tired, then at the same time my lower back has this intense pain that radiates from my back to my sides.  its one really intense feeling!  I've been having them alot since monday..and im not sure if it is the Braxton hicks or kindof scared to call the Doctors office. at the office they have a phone nurse that they have you talk to instead of the doctor himself. and i've called her alot with questions in the past. and every time i get the same answer..."its normal"  especially from the doctor i was seeing before. she really made me feel like i was just a paranoid girl, who was just looking for a reason to be seen by a doctor.  the phone nurses was always a little nicer but i still got the same vibe from her. so im still kindof scared to call her.  So i've been trying to look online to see if i can find a decription from some one else, exactly what a contraction feels like and when to start getting concerned. but i havent found one!  i have found plenty that say what to  do when you feel contractions but not WHAT THEY FEEL LIKE! so im getting a little annoyed.  basically, im just kindof hoping that these pains either go away or else hope that my 4 hours of work every day goes nice and fast so i can get back home and lay down again...just to have my hips start hurting again. 
also..when it comes to working, Kyle and i decided to switch vehickes and have him take the jeep and me take the Grand Prix to try and save some gas money.  especially since i have to go into town alot lately. but wow... getting into the jeep was hard...but getting in and out of the Grand Prix is even worse. 
so as i said before i am finding it very difficult to enjoy the last part of this pregnancy! its downright frustrating!!
but yeah im just hopng this time will go fast. lol. we'll see.  
Lol the other night i was looking at myself in the mirror. and Kyle was like wow..your so big! i was like ya think!  he was like  "theres an actually underside to your belly!"  and he's right..i cant see the underside of my stomache anymore. the onyl way to see the extent of the ugly stretch marks is to look in the mirror. its horrible! lol after i have my kids , i might actually give more thought to plastic   
well im done for now... i have to call and make an appt. for one of our drivers to go get drug tested.. so tootlez for now!                                                                                                                                 

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Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008

Time:7:54 pm.
 Wow so we are watching American Idol. and i cant get over how funny people can be. hehe.
Kyle made dinner for us tonight AND did the dishes! how sweet it that? Man i love him!  lol i think its funny how hes so excited about the game show thats starting tonight. the one where they strap the person to a lie detector. .. should be interesting.
well by next week i should have tax stuff ready for the accoutant for work.  as soon as that is done i am going to be breathing a sigh of relief!!
um what else can i write. besides that i am feeling even bigger and bigger every day. i am really wondering if im going to be able to wlk by the time March comes around. plus im really hoping that I have this baby early. not premature..but early. hopefully the baby wont be too big.
so yeah. other than that i am out of things to upate on.
so tootlez for now.
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