Ok i really need to get this off my chest... beware its going to be a long post..
The thursday before Thanksgiving this year I had an appointment with my counselor Bother Tenney in Farmington Hills. Since we were "in the neighborhood" we decided to go out to dinner with Gram, Aunt Debbie and Sue. Sue had been down in Livonia looking after things because Aunt Beth had been in the hospital with a staff infection in her blood.
After we were done with our meal, we were waiting for Kyle to get back from the bathroom. While we were sitting there i starting talking to Sue about the possibility of working the babysitting schedule around so that she would have more free time.
You see there is a Family that moved into our ward at church that has a little boy that is a week older than Charlie. i had asked them if they would be willing to watch Charlie monday thru wednesday for 15-20 bucks a day. They said yes that would be great. However Kyle thru up a tantrum because he didnt want have to pay and he wanted to keep taking Charlie to Sues because she watched him for free. I didnt feel that was right. She has been watching him on a regular basis for the entire 3 years since Charlie was born. I feel it is only appropriate to give her a "break". So the idea was that the Barrets were going to watch him once or twice a week and everyother saturday and then Jamie (sis in law) would watch him fridays and the saturdays that she has the boys. I thought that was extremely fair. but here comes the twister..
I have been talking to my counselor and working on building my sense of self worth and confidence in knowing what i need and deserve. It has been an extreme struggle. I have gone from saying sorry to every little thang that happens wether it be my fault or not to being happy and a little more confident. Part of what i have been encouraged to do is to set aside some time to do something i like and that makes me feel good about myself. So i talked to my bosses at work and to the barrets and i had come up with a plan... The plan consisted of the Barrets watching Charlie mondays during class and tuesdays while i worked, then Sue would watch him wednesdays while i was at class, then i cut my hours at work so that i didnt have to work wednesday nights. so then I hoped Sue would keep Charlie until Kyle got off of work at 6, so that i could go straight to the barn after class got out at 3. that way i would be home in time to put Charlie to bed.
Now that the plan is explained, lets jump back to my attempt to talk to Sue about this at the restaraunt.. So i bring up that i had asked the Barrets to watch Charlie and that they had said yes. but then i told her that Kyle didnt like having to pay for all three days plus every other saturday. and that to try to compromise, I would ask them to watch him only Mondays and Tuesdays and I asked her if she could watch Charlie wednesday until Kyle got off, so that i could go to the Barn for a little bit of "me time"
Well i suppose the words "me time" didnt settle right with her. She laughed, rolled her eyes and said "yeah well i Need some me time too." thats when i shut down.
Now this is where i am responisible for all this.. between the tone she used and the roll of her eyes, i felt pretty of humiltiated. and pretty guilty that i had felt like i could ask for that from her. i felt so stupid for thinking that she might understand. and atleast be happy that i was giving her back her mondays and tuesdays. and was TRYING to give back her saturdays.
Well because i had felt so hurt by that stupid little sentence, i decided that contrary to what kyle wanted i was going to use MY pay check to pay for the Barrets to take him all three days and every other saturday. so that way Sue would get HER "me time" and I would go get Charlie after class on wednesdays and drop him off with Kyle after he got off work and then go to the barn. only thing would be that i would not be home in time to put Charlie down for the night. ( but who am i kidding, Kyle wont put forth the effort to put him down) Then the biggest thing of all was that i was going to "take some time off" from Sue. i felt i needed to draw some boundary lines and hopefully get some respect from her once and for all. She is always touting about how i dont respect her. but i dont think she would recognize respect even if it hit her in the face. i think what she reall wants if fear and intimidation. but i am so tired of the fear and intimidation. i got so much of that growing up. I am done with trying to impress her and to try to earn praise from her. Im never going to get it. so in drawing this boundary line i will hopefully be able to ressurect a little bit of self dignity and self respect. So to let Sue know about all of this. i sent her a text saying, "lets face it, our personalities dont mesh well. I think its best if we take some time off from each other. Charlie is taken care of until further notice. If you would like to take him that is fine, just please let Kyle know a few days ahead of time so that we can arrange it into our schedules. if you need to reach me in an emergency please text me before you call. Please dont go telling everyone in the family, i dont feel they need to know, its none of their business and i dont see a reason to include them. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, i feel this is just something that needs to happen at this time. i hope you understand."
Later i asked kyle if he had gotten any responce from her about it, he told me that she wasnt impressed. but i kindof had to smile at that comment beause like i said bfore i am done trying to impress her. impressing her is no longer a priority. (even tho to this day i still wish that i could do SOMEthing to get some kind of a positive rise out of her)
Now lets jump ahead to Thanksgiving... Sue called and wanted to take Charlie on Tuesday overnight because she and Karl were going on a cruise and wanted to see him before they left.i said yes only because i actually needed a sitter for wednesday. So then Kyle hatches this stupid plan where i had to go get Charlie and meet him at Sams. even tho i told him no. he kept giving me a hard time about it all. then we get Charlie wednesday night He goes in and gets him, we leave ,y car at their house and we drive down to Scott n Cheries. all that night and most of the morning on thanksgiving every time i said something kyle would twist my words around so that it looked as though everything was my fault all because i was refusing to talk to his mom.it go to the point where i was really having a hard time not slapping him across the face. So i bundled Charlie up in his coat and gloves and took him for a walk in the wagon to try and get some fresh air and hope that that would help my disposition. by the time i got back kyle was up and utside. we sat on the porch swing and had a talk. I told him that i loved him with all my heart, but if he was going to beat me up verbally every time i have a dissagreement with his mom and tried to stand up for myself then, that might be a deal breaker. He apologized and said hed try harder to keep his mouth shut and support me.
and as an update i am still getting verbally abused and chastised about this every chance he gets.
Friday i got a text from the Barrets saying they were all still sick and that they wouldnt be able to watch Charlie. so i asked Kyle to ask a few people and see if they would be able to watch Charlie. come to find out he asked his mom. she said yes and kyle said that I would have to go get him. fine. i said a prayer before i went in and was feeling ok about myself. then right as i pull in the driveway i get a text from kyle telling ME to be nice. and telling me i need to be conversational. i was NOT going to be conversational and pretend nothing was wrong. However i was civil.. i went in and i asked how charlie had been and that was about it. nothing too fancy. i thought it went pretty well. but because i am not ready to sit down with her and talk about things (or rather what would happen is her demonizing me) According to kyle i am not allowed to ask her to take Charlie ever again. not that i was the one that asked her this time anyways. i just simply asked kyle to play apart in finding someone to watch charlie and this is what he arranged. so i dont undrstand how he thinks this is supposed to be a punishment for me. that what all his bull crap feels like is their twisted way of punishing me.
So i am issuing the same ultimatum i did on Thanksgiving... decide who you are married to. either shut up or i am leaving.
There is a reason Mother in laws are called MONSTER in laws...
Ok i really need to get this off my chest... beware its going to be a long post..